Little Camp of Horrors
by Captain Snippet
Summary: A boy scout camping trip that takes a turn for the worst. Rated for high levels of silliness as well as some horribly pansy comments along the way, plus blood/gore used in humorous context.
1. The Fall of Sephiroth

Chapter 1

"There once was a man from Nantucket, ya? Who kept all hi-"

"Wakka, you loser, shut up," Tidus groaned, "No one wants to hear the Nantucket story."

"Tidus," Auron spat, "Don't be a bully. We're out here to-" Auron flinched, wishing he wasn't being forced into camping because of his past decisions, which had led him to owing A LOT of time doing community service. "To... Have _fun_."

The boy scouts were sitting around their 'well-prepared' campfire (about to go out) eating their 'tasty' smores (year-old chocolate (provided by Wakka!), some oddly lumped marshmallows, and stale, slightly salted graham crackers.)

Voicing everyone's opinion, Baralai, the group pansy, said "These are gross..." and then added, in a whiny, girl voice, "And I broke a nail."

After an extremely awkward interval of silence, Auron muttered, under his breath, "Faggot."

"I heard that," Baralai whined. "You're a bad camp leader!"

"Baralai!" Tidus and Nooj shouted at the same time, "Shut up!"

As Baralai looked down at his feet, attempting not to cry, Yaibal broke through the foliage around the camp site, and dropped a pile of firewood at the edge of the fire pit.

"Duty done, sir!" Yaibal shouted, saluting Auron. Yaibal stumbled forward and almost fell in the pile of burning embers as Jecht, Tidus' father and the other camp leader (also for community service,) hit him on the back of the head.

"Congratulations. Would you like a cookie..." Jecht's lip twitched. "...Soldier?"

Yaibal thought for a moment, then saluting Jecht as well, said, "Sir, yes, sir!"

Jecht blinked a few times, completely stunned into silence after Yaibal's display of total mental deficiency. He muttered something incoherent under his breath, and took a seat on a log, beside Auron, surprised at the softness, due to moss, and some rotting.

"But..." Yaibal said "...What about my cookie."

"Shut up!" Jecht said.

"Okay," Yaibal said, his voice cracking with hurt and disappointment from the leader's rejection of him.

Leader Braska, who'd remained quiet up till then said, in a notably more soft voice than that of Jecht and Auron, "There are no cookies in the middle of the woods, Yaibal. Maybe when we get back. Hey, we'll even get you your favourite brand, okay?"

Little did he know...

The stores nearest their homes were currently sold out of Yaibal's favourite brand of cookies, because Clasko, a boy living on their street, who had somehow made it into Girl Guides rather than Boy Scouts, was throwing a sleep-over and had bought many a cookie, for all the girls in his patrol were coming.

"Well," Braska, "I'm off to bed, and it's time for you boys to hit the hay."

Tidus looked with distaste at the tent he would be sharing with Gippal and Wakka. The leaders would sleep in a separate tent, and Nooj, Baralai, and Yaibal would sleep in another tent. Seymour and O'aka would be sleeping in another tent, perfectly pitched because O'aka apparently traveled and camped quite a bit. Gippal, Wakka, and Tidus had struggled in vain to pitch their tent properly, however they seemed to have forgotten a pole, causing the tent to lean precariously to one side.

Groaning, Nooj got up and went to the tent he was sleeping in, throwing Gippal a desperate look over his shoulder. Tidus grinned. Nooj and Gippal were good friends and had wanted to share a tent, but Nooj had instead gotten stuck with Yaibal and Baralai.

It was quite hilarious.

But then, it meant Tidus and Wakka would be sharing a tent with Gippal. Gippal wasn't a bad person or anything, but he was so... arrogant.

'_Ah well..._' Tidus mused, _'Better than sharing a tent with a queer.'_

He looked uneasily at Baralai and hastily got up to go to their tent. Snuggling down into the warm depths of his sleeping bag, Tidus attempted to sleep.

Just as he felt a wave of drowsiness come over him, Gippal burst through the tent flap, Wakka trailing behind. Wakka settled himself down for the night, but Gippal just flung himself to the ground, knocking a bag sideways and into Tidus' face.

Sitting up quickly, Tidus flung the bag at Gippal and began to speak: "If you don't be more careful, I'm gonna shove this bag up your a-"

"Tidus!" he heard his father shouting from the tent beside them, "Shut up, won't ya!"

Groaning, Tidus shot a glare sideways at Gippal, and abruptly lay back down, hitting his head to the pillow with force, making a slightly audible thump. Behind him, Gippal stuck out his tongue and crawled inside his own sleeping back.

They stayed like that for awhile, until a shrill squeal made each of them sit up, trying to identify the screamer. A coarse, throaty laugh from their right told them that Baralai had clearly been the one, as they could hear him whining for Nooj to quit laughing.

For the second time that night, Jecht raised his voice in control.

"Shut up!"

After some commotion from the pansy tent, everyone settled down, and sleep was just washing over Tidus as an odd cracking noise, like feet treading over dry twigs filled the silence.

From the tent beside them, Tidus heard Baralai saying, "What was that?"

Tidus but his lip. Soon enough, his father or Auron would silence Baralai and no doubt poke fun at him for his fear of sounds in the night. Knowing they would, and that Baralai would be so humiliated made Tidus feel slightly guilty.

He was scared, too.

Well, kind of. He was fully aware that the snapping was probably just an owl, or some other nocturnal creature, wandering the maze of trees around them.

Sighing, Tidus snuggled into his sleeping bag, and, finally, sleep found him.

* * *

Waking up the next morning, Tidus was surprised to find himself feeling completely revitalized. He'd gotten a good sleep, despite the whining from Baralai.

Going over the day's schedule in his head, Tidus groaned. They had to go on a hike. A _hike._

Slowly, Tidus got dressed and left the tent. Everyone else was already up and eating, and his seat was taken so Tidus took a seat beside Yaibal. Yaibal made a sad attempt to swallow the slime that was their breakfast, and, turning to Tidus, his face went slightly green. He muttered something about being sick and ran off into the forest.

"What's with him?" Jecht asked bluntly, staring after Yaibal.

'He's sick," Tidus said, shrugging, "I guess it was your cooking; I think I'll skip breakfast."

Jecht glared at Tidus and opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by Yaibal, who crashed into the clearing, screaming.

"Monster! MONSTER!"

Auron stood up and said, "Yaibal, shut up. What are you talking about?"

"It was a monster!" Yaibal exclaimed. "I swear! It tried to kill me! With a weapon in the form of big, pointy, teeth thingys! It'll ill us all! "

Baralai connected his pinky and thumb, then moved his hand to his mouth, his three fingers flailing as he tried to express the horror that haunted him.

Tidus heard rustling in the bushes, and turned his head to the side, glancing askance at what he determined was Yaibal's monster.

As a pair of small, beady, but somewhat cute eyes stared at him, hidden partially by fur and whiskers, Tidus, purely on instinct, picked up a rock and threw it at Yaibal.

"Retard!" he shouted, watching as the bunny sitting at the edge of the clearing turned to hop closer to a nearby bush, the fluffy tail bouncing as it moved.

"That's your monster?" scoffed Gippal, "What's it going to do? Nibble our bums?"

"FINE!" Yaibal shouted. "Be that way! It looked like a monster! The forest is dark, _okay? DARK!_"

Laughing at Yaibal's shouts, everyone got up and started their hike.

Yaibal followed behind, trying not to cry.


	2. Enter: The Noun

Chapter 2

Walking down the hiking trail, Tidus felt a sense of foreboding, as if he were being watched . . . nay, _observed._ He spun dramatically on his heel, twigs flying beneath his overly-advertised Converse shoes. At the end of his 180-degree turn, he found himself face-to-face with the hideous likes of a chipmunk, cheeks bursting with ill-fated acorns. Groaning, Tidus swatted the pesky critter away, embarrassed at his fear of the small rodent.

Despite the termination of the acorn-eating animal, Tidus felt the feeling he was being watched lurking behind still, hiding like a shadow in the forest . . . Or perhaps the shadow in the forest was not a feeling, but a stalking noun. What is a noun, Tidus was often asked because of his odd, queer, crazy, weird, stupid vocabulary? Always, he gave the same answer.

'Well, a noun is a person, a place or A.._thing.' _Shivering in fear at the thought of a lurking noun, Tidus scrambled to catch up with the others, glancing askance at the sinister forest branches, hanging over the trail, brushing their leaves on the ground.

Suddenly an acorn, thrown at high velocities by the athletic Wakka, hit him in the head, knocking him to the ground, causing a soft thud to echo around them. Tidus knew that if this were his favourite game, Final Fantasy VII, his HP would be quickly deteriorating, leaving him vulnerable to a game over.

But Tidus was not going to lose. Not after moving this far along the trail.

Tidus scrambled to his feet, pulling a stick up with him, for use as a weapon. Strategically placing his feet squarely apart, he assumed a position of defence, bobbing along to the music playing in his head.

_Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala_

After narrowing his eyes, and sifting through the game menus, fumbling with the controllers of his mind, Tidus prepared his Overdrive. Abruptly, he heard a familiar voice calling to him.

"Tidus, man! This isn't Final Fantasy, ya? You don't do that in real life!"

Tidus blinked, and saw that Wakka was not the only who appeared to think he was being foolish. His father hung his head in shame as Auron, beside him, laughed uncontrollably. From behind him, yet another person was shunning his actions.

"Son of Jecht," a soft voice said, "I would appreciate it if you would move yourself, and please, stop flailing that... _weapon _of yours about; it's dangerous."

At Seymour's voice, Tidus began to fume and quickly dropped the stick, moving to walk past the others. He really didn't like Seymour all that much, because his hair was funny. As Tidus contemplated many ways to get revenge, a thought hit him with such force, he fell over again.

If Seymour could have crazy anime hair in real life, why couldn't he use a crappy, turn-based battle system?

"Tidus, you retard!" This time, it was his father's voice. "Get your ass up off the ground!"

Tidus got up slowly, brushing his pants off and vowing to get a new Buster Sword, so he could fight back against his father. He was pushed roughly ahead, and soon everyone was carrying on with their uneventful hike as it had been before.

Within the next two hours, the only thing exciting that actually happened involved a plate of noodles, a donkey, and some palm trees. Nooj didn't make it.

Other than that, Tidus' walk included a lot of attempts to get O'aka to shut up, but other than that it was all just really, really annoying trips, falls, and accusations of idiocy.

"Look!" Braska said after several hours of nothing, "A water-hole! You know, boys, the water cycle is very interesting."

"No, it's not," Gippal complained, "Let's go."

And received a nicely placed smack in the head from Jecht.

"First, the water evaporates," Braska continued, "Then, it gathers in the clouds an-"

RANDOM ENCOUNTER!

Tidus was already used to the unpredictable appearances that occurred when walking, due to his 500+ hours spent on Final Fantasy VII, so he immediately assumed a fighting position.

He was horrified to find himself face-to-face with Sephiroth himself. Of course, Tidus knew that noone around him could tell it was Sephiroth because he was in disguise. He had cleverly taken the shape of a tree.

"Tidus," someone said, "What the hell is up with you? It's a _tree._"

Tidus narrowed his eyes. _'That's what you think.'_ Tidus knew better, and, so, he lunged forward and began to slash wildly at the**_vertical log_**(?)Sephiroth was hiding in.

Flailing his arms about, Tidus _pwned_ the tree. When he was positive Sephiroth was dead, or at least gone until the next boss battle, where there were NO IDEAS for a new boss, and so brought back the old, boring one.

Sighing, Braska said, "Let's go home, everybody."

"Yeah," Jecht muttered under his breath, "Before I'm forced to kill him."

Back at the camp, at nighttime, they were all seated, once again, around the campfire, devouring s'mores. Although tonight they were better, because Braska had, as a treat, produced 10 lbs of grease for seasoning, and out-of-date chocolate replacement.

"Hey!" Yaibal suddenly exclaimed. "Look guys!"

Everyone looked up to see a giant meteor, blazing brightly in the sky, falling closer, and closer to the earth. They watched in shock as it crashed in a **_BURNING BLAZING INFERNO OF LIGHT_**.

Not ten miles away from their campsite.

"Well," Seymour said absent-mindedly, in his usual uninterested voice. "That was fun while it lasted."

He then proceeded to stuff another s'more in his mouth.

"Oh, kids!" Braska said loudly (and over-happily) "LET'S CHECK IT OUT."

"What?" Gippal asked. "Are you serious? We just got back from one of your hikes!"

"Well, obviously, I meant tomorrow, Gippal." Braska narrowed his eyes, and hunched his shoulders. "We can't go out at night. Oh, no. It's FAR too dangerous out there." Everyone blinked. "An elephant's graveyard is no place for a young prince."

"Braska," Jecht said slowly, scratching his head, "Have you taken your medication?"

Braska glared at Jecht, and dived into his tent with a screech, not unlike that of a monkey.

"Well... I'm not sittin' out here just 'cause you little bastards wanna eat some greased up brownies," Auron said in a 'gruff' voice.

"Actually, sir," Yaibal said, hitting his forehead with side of his hand in salute, "They're s'mores, sir, s'mores!"

Jecht laughed, finally realizing how to handle the over-eager Yaibal.

"At ease, soldier," he said, before getting up himself to move to the Leaders' tent. He turned back to the scouts, sitting around the fire, and pointed to the boys' tents. "Now, move out!"

Yaibal jumped up, happy with the counsellor's newly found enthusiasm.

"SIR, YES, SIR!"

Jecht entered his tent, where Braska was sitting huddled in a corner, his arms wrapped around his knees in a defensive position.

"You know," he chuckled, talking to the disoriented Braska, "It kind of brings me back to my days with the army. Good times, good times. You know, I once killed a man with only a banana peel, a plate of noodles, a LaserJet printer, a softcover copy of Sense and Sensibility, the first issue of The Amazing Spider-Man, a handful of shaving cream, some cuticle oil, a stick of Bazooka Joe Bubblegum, Margaret Atwood's 'Blind Assassin,' a transformer Energon, some lego, a Ra CD, the hair off my back-" Braska stared, amazed at Jecht's creativity and bravery. "-a roller skate, some elastic bands, a straight iron, some POGS, a curling broom, cold Starbuck's coffee, a file of Pokemon Red- there was a level 83 Pikachu on that game, if I recall correctly- some seeds to grow sunflowers with, a 6 inch cold cut from Subway, a cordless mouse, a yoyo, 3 bouncy balls, the fluffing from a pillow, a Wal-Mart coupon- It's a pity; I could've gotten 35 percent off any women's lingerie, you know- a zip disk with a 21356516879563749 word essay on the history of history, an I-pod mp3 player, and a plastic screwdriver... Oh, I think a M-16 assault rifle with attached grenade launcher played a role in it, somehow, although I really can't remember that part."

"...Bullshit," someone, who sounded really gruff, said from behind Jecht. Jecht spun around and came face to face with Auron.

"If I recall correctly, it was me who killed that man, not you; you were off cowering in a corner somewhere. The only way we could ever find you was by following the trail of urine. And there was no shaving cream involved- that was whipped cream obviously. Honestly, Jecht, how do you intend to kill a man with shaving cream? Shave him to death?"

Jecht blushed even deeper.

"IT COULD HAPPEN!"

Braska shook his head, finally coming out of his reverie.

"Come on, you two, that's enough war stories. We'll need lots of energy to get to that meteor. I reckon it's about 8115304 miles from here. That's a long way to walk!"

Soon the leaders were settled in their beds, sleeping peacefully.

_la fin._

...Or is it?


	3. N'More S'More

Chapter 3

_Dear Diary, _

_I feel filthy. Though I have only been on this camping trip for three days, I have not bathed in seven. It doesn't help that the only thing we have to eat are s'mores, and they are not good for your digestion._

_Today, Leader Braska wishes us to hike to a mysterious meteor crash site. _

_For give me, Diary; This may be my last entry. I do not know if I will return from this Godforsaken hike..._

_I plan to run away, whilst the others look at their rock. _

_Diary, I pray all will go well. Should I not return, know I love you, and that I wish you luck in your future life. May someone treat your little pages as well as I have._

_-Tidus_

Tidus closed the cover of his magical diary, his heart heavy with the prospect of never seeing it again. Unbeknownst to him, the diary was answering, its magic connecting with Tidus' words, to bring a wish o' luck to the page.

_God speed, Tidus._

Tidus got up, brushing a tear from his eye, his unhappiness shining in it, like a reflection... Of unhappiness. He exited the tent, unhappily, and joined the others around the campfire for their morning meal (s'mores.)

"Boys," Braska said happily, unlike Tidus, "This is a perfect time to learn the properties of a compass, and compass use!"

After a quick lesson in compass use, they gathered their gear, and headed in the general direction, of where the meteor had been seen, crashing to the ground.

When they arrived at the crash site, after a fight with a bamboon colony, an animal, crossed between bamboo, and baboons, they gazed into the shallow crater.

"Woah..." Yaibal breathed. "...SIR!" he said, regaining his composure, "I do not see the meteor, Sir!"

"You don't see it?" Jecht asked. "It's right there..." Jecht pointed to the vacant centre of the crater. "Only cool people can see it."

"Yeah," Auron agreed. "It's the greatest. Too bad your missing it, Yaibal."

Seymour frowned and blushed, for he, too, could not see the meteor.

"Yeah," he said, "totally awesome, guys."

Jecht and Auron exchanged glances and grinned knowingly.

"Oh..." Yaibal said, attempting to be 'cool.' "Yeah, yeah. There it is. I was just looking in the wrong place...lol."

"...Did you just...? What, are you kidding?" Gippal said. "...lol?"

Yaibal blushed. "...I say stupid stuff... When I'm... Looking... At really cool... Meteors... omg, though. It's awesome."

Tidus looked on, realizing the attention of the others was set purely on Yaibal. He shivered, once again feeling the presence of a lurking noun, watching him. He brushed it off. _Stupid chipmunk..._

Knowing it was the opportune moment, he took off into the forest, not caring if he ever did see a meteor.

Or another s'more. He hated those things.

Tidus ran through the woods, crashing through thick branches and leaves. The feeling of being watched remained at his back, as if the feeling itself were stalking him.

The feeling continued to wrack at his brain, heart, his very soul, and the extra s'more in his pocket, until his fear caused him to lose control of his own limbs. He fell to the ground, crying out in pain and terror. Sweat ran in cold beads down his forehead, the s'more in his pocket melted in the afternoon heat, become ever so sticky (and deadly) staining his shorts a deep brown from the chocolate.

He was going to have a fun time explaining this... No, he would not! He was returning to that damned camp, where he would be forced to eat yet another s'more; he preferred hot dogs.

He reached in his pocket and licked the chocolate off his fingers, flinching at the disgusting taste, but knowing he had to for survival, and daily grease intake. He pulled himself off the ground, brushing himself off.

Once again, he dashed through the forest madly, the sense of being watched lingering, like the stench of the dead woodchuck under the porch at home. _Home_. Tidus would miss his mother.

But not his evil father. Or that faggot camp.

After what seemed like hours, and really was hours, Tidus stopped, gasping to fill his lungs with

air. As he relaxed, breathing in the humid air, a clicking sound shattered the unearthly silence about him. He looked up, fearing the worst. The leaves above him, clinging desperately to a branch, shook and tumbled downward, in a graceful descent from the treetops. They landed at his feet, and their original home of branches continued to shake, but stopped. Tidus saw a shimmer amongst the now still braches, and a cluttered glimpse of movement. Tidus knew exactly what was up there.

He leapt to his feet, all of his thoughts circling escape, and the object in the trees. He'd heard legends. Mostly from his English text book. It was stationed in the worst, most terrifying directory of the book; the writing mechanics sections.

It was a noun. So he had been right. _They do exist..._

He ran, and soon saw a flickering light ahead of him; finally, he'd found the exit to the accursed woods. As he drew near, a familiar smell filled the air about him. He ripped the foliage, finding himself in a small clearing, one he'd so hoped to avoid forever.

"S'more?" Baralai asked him when he came through the tree branches, his mouth stuffed to the brim with chocolate, graham crackers and grease.

"Tidus... Man, where you been, ya? We found some hot dogs... You didn't come so we ate yours... ya?"

Angry and hurt, Tidus prepared to assume a battle stance but decided against it.

Tidus sighed and sat down, picking up a s'more, and shoving it in his mouth.

He noticed with unease that Jecht was eyeing the chocolate stain on his pants with great curiosity.

"...A chocolate stain," he explained sheepishly.

"You shit yourself again, boy?" Auron asked. Auron was privy to everything that happened in Jecht's household.

"No!" Tidus protested. "It's a chocolate stain! Lick it and you'll see!"

Jecht buried his face in his hands, wishing he had died in the war.

"Uh-huh," Auron replied skeptically.

"It's okay Tidus," Braska said comfortingly. "We all lose control of our bowel movements every now and then. Right, fellas?" Braska's eyes shifted, watching everyone around him sit motionless. "...Right?"

"...Uh... Yeah. Of course, mate," O'aka said slowly. "...I don't want this s'more anymore," he finished, casting aside his s'more."

"Aw, come on, you don't want... s' more?" Gippal joked, attempting to improve the atmosphere.

"Shut up, Gippal!" Nooj barked.

Tidus groaned and told everyone to buzz off, it was after all, just a chocolate stain. The camp quieted down, and Braska dove into his tent, with his signature monkey screech.

After consuming a little over 20 grease-smores, Gippal stood up and made a daring announcement.

"All right, people, I'm gonna go take a leak; empty the tank; you know, a whiz; drain my main vain; water the garden; sprinkle a little tinkle (_wtf?_); open the floodgates; let loose the juice; un-jam the dam.." At this point, Gippal began to run out of words, and began to use clumsily constructed metaphors, that really just sounded gay: "Moisten... the... ah...soil; Siphon the.. python; bleed some.. weed; pump my rump; ...Argh, I've gotta go piss, guys, be back in a few."

Horribly written paragraph finished, Gippal left the clearing, to take care of his bladder.

As he walked off, the sound of singing, in the form of a popular song by B.T.O., drifted to their ears.

"_Takin' care of business, everyday. Takin' care of business, everyway. Takin' care of business, it's all mine. Takin' care of business and working overtime..."_

"GIPPAL, WAIT!" Yaibal yelled, jumping up. "DON'T IGNORE THE BUDDY SYSTEM!" Yaibal looked around desperately. "Baralai, you're closest! You have to follow him!"

"But, he's going to the bathroom," Baralai protested.

"GO!" Yaibal screamed.

Baralai jumped up, and ran into the woods after Gippal.

"But, dude... Gippal's going to the bathroom," Nooj said.

Noone replied.

Suddenly, a pansy girl scream shattered the awkward silence.

"Baralai!" Braska screamed, rushing from the tent. "Why weren't you boys following proper buddy system procedure?"

Jecht and Auron, knowing they had to, leapt to their feet and rushed into the forest.


	4. Gippal's Death: Part III

Chapter 4

The two leaders burst into the area where Gippal had supposedly emptied his bladder. (Little did they know...) They saw Baralai huddled against the trunk of a tree, knees clenched protectively to his body.

"The forest..." he stuttered. "The forest... Came alive..."

Baralai began to sob uncontrollably as the other campers entered the clearing. While all of them were standing, looking at Baralai cry, Wakka noticed a great red smear on the other side of the small area, leading into the woods.

"That's one crazy piss, ya? ...It's red, mon!"

Jecht moved to examine the crimson liquid.

"Blood," he muttered under his breath.

"Blood?" Wakka exclaimed in disbelief. "What was Gippal doing?"

Auron shook his head and grasped Baralai by the shoulders, while Braska calmly and quietly explained the situation to Wakka.

"Tell me exactly what happened!1111one1111" Auron spat (literally) at Baralai.

Baralai screamed, "I told u! The forest came alive... I think it was... It was... A... A n... N..."

"A noun!" Tidus asked.

Baralai ignored Tidus' comment and continued to cry. "It was... ...A _new_... thing. Unlike anything I've ever seen before... The forest swallowed Gippal up and took him away."

"Such is the punishment for ignoring the buddy system," Yaibal lamented, shaking his head grimly. Far away, a bugle sounded.

"Braska, cut that out!" Seymour shouted, a hint of fear residing in his voice. The trumpeting ceased immediately.

Jecht moved towards their camp.

"Come on, boys. If we stay here, we're only endangering ourselves."

The campers trudged solemnly back to their camp, terrified by the site that awaited them when they arrived. The camp was a mess; tents were overturned, many items were missing (including all s'more rations), all compasses had disappeared, and the pages from Tidus' diary lay strewn about, too ripped to read.

The campers muddled through the wreckage, searching for lost belongings. On the ouskirts of the camp site, the three leaders conversed on the situation at hand.

"The loss of young Gippal is very upsetting," Braska sighed. "However, we cannot dwell on the past, we must ensure the safety of the other boys, and leave the forest ASAP," said Braska, attempting to make things more clear for Auron and Jecht by using their army lingo.

"Yeah... That sounds good," Auron grunted.

He sounded very gruff.

"Sir!" Yaibal interrupted. "We cannot find the compasses! And the flight suit and the glider– Stolen!"

Jecht scratched his head and blinked.

"Pardon?"

"Oh..." Yaibal said. "Sorry... Wrong situation."

Yaibal hung his head and walked away.

Across the disaster-stricken clearing, Tidus picked up the last page of his diary that was still intact.

His air came in short, ragged breaths as he fought back tears. Despite his efforts, two ran down his cheeks, splashing quietly onto the paper. Magic powers taking hold, the diary responded.

_I'm sorry, Tidus. I couldn't see who it was. I tried to stop him..._

Tidus sighed, tears flowing freely.

"I know..."

His words caught on the wind, lost forever, only heard by the torn pages of his beloved diary.

The page holding Tidus' last interaction with Diary was taken by an updraft, fluttering from his hand, and out of the clearing.

* * *

The page soared, riding the wind deep into the forest. Somewhere, it's path was cut short as it collided with an invisible palm, clenched in a clawed hand, unseen by anyone nearby. Five fingers curled tightly around it, crumpling it to a ball, no longer a flyer, prone to the earth's gravity. It fell to the ground, ink tears running down it's surface. 


	5. Hershey

Chapter 5

"Camp meeting! Camp meeting!" Braska called into his megaphone.

"When?" Seymour asked. Seymour liked to be on time.

"Immediately!" Braska said, jabbing his finger in the air.

The scouts gathered around the embers of the campfire- At this point, there were only embers left of the campfire, because the actual flames had been trampled during the damage to their camp.

"Well, boys,"Jecht told everyone, taking control, "We have a serious problem on our hands. The camp is destroyed,-"

"Well, no duh, man," Wakka proclaimed angrily.

The other campers snickered.

"SHUT UP!" Jecht screamed. "As I was saying, the camp is destroyed... and we are officially out of s'mores."

A great murmur arose and died out when someone shouted, "We're officially out of O'aka, too. That fag ran off!"

"OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH," Baralai slurred, jumping up. "THE FOREST GOT HIM TOO."

Baralai began to sob, his shoulders shaking violently.

"Boys! We don't know that yet!" Braska declared.

There would be no crying when he was in command. No frowning. No sad faces.

"So what do we do?" Yaibal asked.

Braska considered this for a moment.

"We'll have to go look for him. Let's split up and look for clues."

"Split up? Are you mad? That only happens in the movies! And they always die in the movies!" Baralai was on the edge of hysteria

"Shut up and listen to Braska," Jecht barked.

His voice didn't have the same conviction it usually did, for at that moment, he was deeply upset, because he didn't sound as gruff as Auron. Nonetheless, Baralai listened.

Braska nodded his thanks to Jecht and continued on.

"Okay. Shaggy and Scoob– I mean..." Braska shook his head, trying to get his thoughts straight. "Tidus and Nooj, you go with Auron. Yaibal... You come with... Daphne and I-" He pointed to 'Daphne'– A very upset Baralai. "Velma-" he gestured to the three remaining campers- "You go that way."

Noone complained about Braska's Scooby-Doo mix-up. It was a very traumatic time for him.

Braska, Yaibal and "Daphne" headed in one direction, while Jecht and his group of campers, Seymour and Wakka, went in another. That left only Tidus, Nooj and Auron.

"All right, gang," Auron said clapping his hands together. "Let's go!"

They headed east, always east, to the deserts of Kurast. More commonly known as the other side of the forest. As a matter of fact, it was only known as the "deserts of Kurast" to Tidus.

Nooj pushed ahead of the others, muttering about O'aka probably just using the bushes. He stumbled over a log, falling into a tiny, tiny clearing. O'aka's clothes were strewn about, as were a great many s'more. It took a moment for it to register in his mind what he was saying.

A drop of crimson blood splattered onto the rim of his glasses. It ran down the lens slowly. Frightened, he looked to the heavens above, searching for the source of the red liquid, but his view was blocked by some annoying trees. Hanging high in their branches was the skinned body of his former friend and fellow camper.

O'aka was dead.

* * *

The creature held the strange food loosely in it's hand. The morsel was new to him, seemingly combined of three major parts. An odd, flat rectangle, not too different a shade from black, sat near the middle. There was more, but the rectangle was most confusing. It seemed to be important, as it had symbols. Symbols he could not decipher. 

He cautiously brought the treat to his crab-like mouth. Four fanged mandibles grasped the food item and brought to the back of his throat. His tastebuds erupted in pain, shocking all the nerves in his body. He was angry, yet excited at the same time.

Anyone who could bear eating something like this was worthy. Perfect Prey for the Hunt.

Still upset for his poor mouth and the horrors it had endured, he vowed to destroy the being who had come up with those hieroglyphs. Those lines that attached to create what was now his enemy.

_HERSHEY._


	6. Tidus Loses His Pants

Chapter 6

He opened his mouth, and screamed, simultaneously losing control of his bladder. He turned around quickly, bumping into the most gruff face he had ever seen.

"Did you just... Wet yourself, Nooj?" Auron asked, his lip twitching.

Nooj looked down at his legs.

"I have an excuse! LOOK UP!" he screeched.

Auron looked up and immediately his face lost colour, and gruffness.

But he did not wet himself.

"Oh my... They don't pay enough for this..." Auron muttered.

"They don't pay you anything!" Tidus said from behind, still unaware of O'aka, hanging above them. Auron spun around to look at him, and he backed up a step, nervous. "Daddy told me," he said factually, sticking his tongue out at Auron.

At that moment, Auron wanted to rip Tidus' tongue off, but instead settled for frightening the pants off him.

"Look up."

Tidus looked up, and suddenly his pants exploded, literally frightened off. He couldn't believe his eyes. He could see _inside_ O'aka's stomach, because it was ripped open... And inside, were those... S'mores?

"He took our s'mores!" Tidus shouted.

"S'mores?" Auron demanded. "WHO CARES? He's been cut open!"

"Sh- Should we tell the others?" Nooj stuttered.

"Not if you don't not want to live," Auron muttered.

"What was that, Auron?" Tidus asked, blissfully unaware of the secret within that sentence.

That secret was...

Auron had never gotten any education, making his grammar horrid! Scandalous!

"...Er... Nothing, Tidus," Auron sighed. "Let's head back to camp."

Auron, Tidus and Nooj trudged back to camp, their new discovery heavy on their shoulders. When they arrived at the campsite, Jecht's troop had already arrived.

"Guys, we have bad news," said Auron solemnly to Wakka, Jecht and Seymour. Jecht didn't seem to be paying attention, however, as he was turned around, back facing them, trying in vain to start a fire.

"I have some bad news, too, Sir Auron!" Seymour stated in his soft voice. "The pants seem to be missing off Son of Jecht!"

Jecht straightened immediately, spinning on his heel. He locked eyes with Auron and the stare went unbroken for at least 10 minutes. (In which time Nooj did a very lovely dance with a group of butterflies, whom were migrating south and had just happened to stop at their campsite.)

"Woah, mon! This is intense! But I don't know, man. Who cares? Tidus never wears his pants anyways!"

Jecht whirled around, ferociously back-handing Wakka. The young camper fell to the ground, letting out a high-pitched yelp.

"Aaahhhhh! ...Mon..."

Wakka curled into a ball, presuming the fetal position, shielding his head with his arms. He began to sob, rocking back and forth, his hands visibly shaking as they cradled his head.

"Wow.," Auron said, not bothering to be gruff.

"That's pathetic," Jecht agreed.

"Well, that was an exciting staring contest," Seymour decided, "But still the problem of Son of Jecht's missing pants goes unsolved."

Jecht flopped down on a nearby log.

"Well," he said, "Let's think this out logically."

All the campers but Tidus sat down on the log beside Jecht. Even Wakka, though he seated himself on the other side of the log, and in fact became so insecure, he crawled _inside_ the log.

Tidus simply pranced about with Nooj's butterfly friends.

The entire group sat thinking hard for a total of 17 minutes.

Several times during their little brainstorming session, Tidus would leap in front of them, shouting in joy.

"Daddy! Look at me! I'm danc-eeen! -"

Jecht rolled his eyes.

"That's wonderful, Tidus."

Suddenly, a tiny lightbulb appeared between the area where Nooj and Seymour were sitting.

"Oh my GOD! WHAT IS IT!"

"A lightbulb. What does it look like?" Tidus replied (his only intelligent sentence.)

(Ever.)

"I dunno," Nooj admitted. "A lightbulb."

Auron peered inside the log.

His head shot up, excitement taking over him.

"Guys! Wakka's got an idea!" He ducked down again, coaxing Wakka. "Come on out, little fella. Come on. Don't be shy." Wakka slowly began creeping out the log, sniffing at Auron's outstretched hand. "That's it. Come on. Go ahead."

Jecht watched the proceedings, deeply confused.

"Eh?" he asked, scratching his head.

Wakka heard this, and twisted his head. Seeing Jecht standing there, he squealed and ducked back into the log.

"No!" Auron proclaimed. "We won't hurt you! Come on! It's okay... Come on. Here, boy!"

Wakka crept once again out of the log, and shakily rose to his feet.

"Well?" Seymour enquired.

"Y-y-ya m-m-man... my idea is-is-is Tidus to go put on some new pants man"

"Swell plan!" Nooj exclaimed bouncing of the log. The group cheered, and began exchanging "high-fives," except for Auron, who decided to start being gruff again.

"YEAH!" Tidus shouted joyously. "YEAH!"

The group quieted down again.

'Tidus," Jecht said calmly, "We just agreed that you should go put pants on."

"YEAH!"

"So... Please go do it."

"But I don't wanna," Tidus pouted and stuck out his tongue.

"Come on, man!" Wakka exclaimed, beaming from ear to ear, having returned to his confident self. "Do what your old man says, man! Yeah, man..."

...Man."

Auron, who had also returned to his normal self, punched Wakka in the face. Wakka swirled and landed on his face in the mud. He whimpered. He tried to push himself up, but his arms gave way.

It was very gruff on Auron's part.

"Okay," Tidus sighed. He trudged to the tent remains of where he had slept and found some pants. Then he tossed them aside and looked for a belt.

Just then, Yaibal burst through the clearing, Baralai at his side.

"Reporting for duty!" Yaibal proclaimed, just as Baralai shouted, "OMG! T!)u5 -4S n0 P47s!"He pointed at Tidus.

Tidus lunged for his pants and Braska broke through the foliage.

"Wait, boys! Yaibal! Velma! Wait up!"

He looked around and saw everyone looking at him, whilst Tidus struggled into his pants.

"Oh. Well... Any news on O'aka?" he asked, trying to cover his stupid performance with intelligence.

Auron recognized this as an opportunity to be gruff and spoke up.

"Yeah," he spat, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"He's dead."

* * *

The creature watched the group as the conversed, curious. His infra-red vision fixed on the man who had just jumped into the area. He eyed the panting figure but soon dismissed the idea. He would not be good Prey. Not yet, at least. Concentrating, he focussed on the boy with the long braid-like hair. He would do nicely. 

Perfect Prey.


	7. SpiderMan No More

Chapter 7

"Dead!" Nooj asked. "That's **_shocking!_**"

"Uh... Nooj," Tidus said. "You were there."

(Two intelligent sentences in like, 20 minutes!)

"Oh. Right. Not so shocking anymore..."

"I need to take a seat!" Braska exclaimed suddenly.

Braska fell over onto the log behind him. He was very taken aback.

"Alright, boys!" Tidus exclaimed. "We are officially dealing with a samsquanch here!"

The clearing was silent.

Finally, Nooj said, "Tidus, it's Sasquatch."

"I doubt it's a Sasquatch... Oh, no. It's something far worse," Auron said (gruffly)

"How do you know?" spat Wakka..

Auron looked at Wakka and said, "Well, _mon, _he was hung from a tree and disembowelled."

"And he ate our s'mores!" Tidus shouted.

A great murmur arose.

"Our s'mores! That dirty little bastard!" Braska screeched.

"CALM DOWN!" Auron thundered. Everyone fell silent. "We need to think this through logically."

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS!" screamed Braska.

He turned around and dove in the last standing tent. (With of course, his signature monkey screech.)

Braska zipped the tent shut and hurriedly began to sift through his bookbag which was left untouched. He pulled items out and threw them around, still hearing the rest of the camper's talking outside.

Braska feared for his life, and was searching for a picture of his wife and daughter, whom he loved dearly. He wanted only to see them for one last time. Digging through his bag, he found something he'd never seen before. He pulled it out of the bag delicately. It was a ventriloquist's puppet. And it looked exactly like him!

His wife, he decided, must have bought it for him. How awe-sum! He held the puppet close to him and a tear ran down his face. He put the puppet on his hand and smiled.

"I think I'll call you Conkly."

* * *

The creature spooned through his bowl of Alphagettis, searching for any human shaped ones. He picked up the can.

"Spong...E...Bob?"

There were no humans! Only a group of marine critters, and a squirrel in some sort of dive suit! What sort of sick, demented planet was this?

The creature threw his spoon down. He would get life-sized human noodles soon...

Except they weren't really noodles. They were people... But in a metaphorical sense, they were noodles...

Dun dun dun dun.

* * *

The camper's trudged along a trail Jecht was beating ahead of them. Soon they came to a large hill.

"Well, I think you boys should wait down here while us camp leaders check out the area from up top that hill," Jecht said, clapping his hands together. "What about you two?" he asked the others.

"I'm in," Auron said.

Everyone looked at Braska.

"I don't know, boys..." he said. "I'll ask Conkly."

"Conkly?" Auron asked. "Who the hell is that?"

Suddenly Braska pulled up a puppet that looked freakishly like him.

"What do you think, Conkly?"

"I don't know, Braska," Conkly said. "I think it would be fun to go on an adventure with-" he looked at Jecht. "Jecht and-" Braska's hand moved so Conkly was mere inches away from Auron's face, and said menacingly, "...Auron."

Auron's immediately pointed his index finger at Conkly, shaking it in warning.

"Conkly, I'm telling you right now! Don't get fucking started with me! You understand that?"

Conkly laughed and the three leaders and one puppet began to trudge up the hill.

"All right," Jecht said once they reached the top of the hill. "Let's get our bearings and figure out where the hell we are."

Auron rolled his eyes. "They're the same thing. Idiot!"

"Whatever."

The three leaders stared at the forest in front of them for about five minutes. "Drat!" Braska finally said, cursing. "This forest ends in an ocean!"

The leaders sighed and began to head back down the hill.

"Wait a minute!" Jecht exclaimed, pointing wildly. "What about this side of the hill?"

Auron and Braska turned their heads to where Jecht was pointing, the side of the hill they hadn't looked at. All three leaders sighed as they looked.

"Oh... I only see the End of the World," Braska groaned.

"Yeah, this sucks."

When they reached the bottom of the hill, the leaders were bombed with questions.

"Which way to we go!"- "Is there a city nearby?"- "Are we going to die?"- "What about our smores!"- "I need spare pants. Mine are wet."

"Um... There's a city... This way!" Jecht fibbed.

And so, led by a stupid lie, the campers headed off, to unknown destinations...


End file.
